DJ DeeKay - In The Mix

Thursday, 15 January 2009

SWIPE: "damn you, shakira (six signs you’ve fallen into the “friend zone”)"

Came across this on my travels this morning, and found it to be fairly accurate and amusing. Remember guys, the friend-zone is dangerous and inhospitable territory, and much like the Bermuda triangle, once you've been dropped in there, it's virtually impossible to fight your way out. Therefore, unless friendship is what you're after, upon deployment to the friend-zone, I would suggest you immediately withdraw most of your troops in order to avoid further casualties.

P.S. If you're after an amusing read, I would recommend Very Smart Brothas as something to peep. Once you've read and re-read High Fidelity in it's entirety of course.

Swiped From Very Smart Brothas.
"it was the summer of ‘91. her name was shakira, and her half black, quarter-chinese, quarter-unknown mutt ass was the object of the 12 year old champ’s desire. every day that summer, we’d play double dribble in her basement, and she’d bring me a glass of terrible lemonade from her kitchen.

despite the fact that we hadn’t actually hugged or kissed or even held hands, i was convinced that she was my girl…in my head at least (conveniently forgetting the fact that she was 14 and about to enter high school).

this all changed one day towards the end of the summer, when her usually sunny disposition had disappeared. when i asked what was wrong, she replied…

“alex doesnt wanna go with me anymore. champ, you’re a boy…help me. what should i do to get him to wanna go with me again???”

instead of actually attempting to reply with the giant lump in my throat, i dropped the joystick, left, and never spoke to her again.

looking back, i had definitely been placed in the “friend zone”, and to insure that “shakira” doesn’t happen to any guy ever again, here’s six signs that you’ve somehow fallen into that dreaded, coitus-less abyss

1. you’re “dating”, and she makes any reference whatsoever to anybody else she might be seeing.

even if it’s “unintentional” (which it never is), most women aren’t going to let a guy she’s interested in know that she’s seeing other people, for fear that it might scare him away. she might imply that she’s “busy”, but if she’s into a cat, it stays the ambiguous “busy” instead of the ball-shrinkingly unambiguous “damn…do you realize this is my second date this week?? you’re lucky you caught me“.

2. you all havent been physical before, but she makes any reference whatsoever to sex she’s had before

basically, if you’re sitting around shooting the sh*t and she’s telling you about “that time a couple years ago in the movie theater, with the bus driver, the basketball trophy, and the stopwatch“, consider yourself neutered. her “freeness” of the tongue if proof that she now officially looks at you as a “friend“, not a “potential sex partner“. the next time you see her, you might as well just leave you balls in your glove compartment. if you’re not going to use them, they should at least be somewhere safe

3. you go over her crib to “chill” or watch a flick, and she looks as if she just completed a decathlon.

***if she greets you at her door like this, just hand her your nuts so they can go in her purse***

if you haven’t slept with a woman yet, and she allows you to see her at her hair-curlered, scuffed timberlanded, dirty-t-shirted weekend worst, the chances of her ever seeing you in a sexual manner is about the same as the likelihood that ann coulter’s adams apple isn’t bigger than her balls.

as neurotic about their appearance as most women are, (unless she’s still in college) there’s no way in hell she’s gonna allow a guy she’s actually interested to see her at her “worst” before they actually sleep together.

4. any compliment about her looks or her potential as a mate is responded to with the same lazy “thanks” you’d get after loaning a co-worker a broken pencil

to expound:

guy complimenting “interested” woman: “you’re killing that dress tonight”

interested reply, accompanied with eye contact, a smile, a slight blush, and a undetectable tingle of the vagina: “thanks”

guy complimenting “uninterested” woman: “you’re killing that dress tonight“

uninterested reply, accompanied with a forced and somewhat condescending return compliment, to ease the awkwardness she’s feeling: “awwww, thanks hun. your socks are really nice too. they really compliment your knuckles”

5. she either refers to you by one of the killer b’s (”buddy” or “brother“) or uses this phrase (”he’s like a **fill in the blank** to me“) at any time when describing you.

just the thought of hearing this from a woman i’m interested in gives me cold sweats and hot flashes. i think i’m just gonna move on


6. she tells you she’s not interested in or ready to be in a relationship…

…which is her polite way of saying she’s not interested in or ready to be in a relationship, with YOU...and she probably never will be. if a woman actually says these words to you, believe her. its the realest thing she’ll ever say

there you have it. six surefire signs. don’t get shakiraed.

—the champ"

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